


Unrealistic

by Anweyr



Category: Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: Crack, Other, Prompt Fill, Tentacle Monsters, suspiciously lighthearted tentacle noncon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 03:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18002555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anweyr/pseuds/Anweyr
Summary: Battler denies the existance of monsters.Or: the one where Beato watchedLa Blue Girlbefore writing a game and gotinspired.





	Unrealistic

“Look! Battler! Loook! It’s maaaagic! It’s mooonsters! Look look!”

“No, it’s not,” sobbed Battler, hands held over his eyes against the horrible sight on the gameboard. “It’s… a human did it! In one of those rubber monster suits!”

Beato tilted her head sideways and leaned in close, invading his personal space. “There were at least five goats! And that’s not even counting the tentacle monster!” She grinned horribly. “Are you suggesting there were six different people involved?”

On the board, Shannon let out another cry as the tentacle monster had its way with her. “Ieeaaa, noo!” It sounded a lot less distressed than it had the first time she’d said it.

“Shannon!” George-on-the-gameboard shouted, distraught and struggling to pull his trousers back up. The goats, also in the grasp of the tentacle monster and bleating their own “ieeaaa noo’s”, had long since let go of him.

“Why do you have your eyes closed, Baaaaatleeer?” Beato asked, leering. “Isn’t this the sort of thing you like to see? Don’t you watch this sort of anime? I’m sure a healthy boy your age has a box of magazines and manga you keep under your beeeeeed. Why will you believe it there but not when Iiiiii show it to youuuuu?”

Battler was crying again. Beatrice sighed and froze the game. Then she advanced it a frame, so that George had a stupider look on his face and Shannon’s mouth formed a perfect “o” of pleasure. Then she folded her arms and waited.

After a minute of silence, Battler cautiously lifted his hands from his ears, then opened his eyes. He winced when he saw the gameboard, and averted his eyes “You’re terrible.”

Beato ignored that, because Battler was a wuss. “Since you were covering your eyes for some of the most important parts, I’ll be nice and summarize what’s happened so far. Jessica, distraught over Kanon vanishing in the First Twilight, covered for Shannon and George so they could sneak away and,” she made a face and mimed retching, “consumate their love. They locked themselves in the VIP room with Shannon’s master key.”

“Repeat in red. At that point, it was a closed room.” His voice was flat, monotone, and he was staring at the floor.

Beato rolled her eyes. “No one’s even died yet this Twilight, but you want to jump straight in? Haven’t you heard of foreplay? You’re a disappointment to women in more ways than one.”

Battler ignored this clue, because of course he did. “Fine. Don’t repeat it. What do you say happened next?”

“Next, I appeared! After all, it’s the VIP room. It’s my room!” She huffed and stamped a foot. “And Shannon was going to _desecrate_ it! Obviously I had to punish uppity furniture like that.”

Interestingly enough, that stirred Battler back into anger. “Desecrate? You summoned goats and a tentacle monster and had them… Only a witch like you would think the love between Shannon-chan and George-aniki would be a desecration!”

“Love?” Beatrice spat back. “There’s no such thing! Men are all the same, it’s just filthy lust dressed up in pretty words. I did her a favor by exposing that! Monsters, men, what difference does it make? At least the tentacle monster can satisfy her! That fat idiot never could!”

“George-aniki stepped up to protect her from the goats! I saw it!” Battler thundered back. “You were going to have the goats — well, he said he’d take the punishment in her place! That’s proof of George-aniki’s feelings for Shannon-chan!”

Beatrice’s lips curved into a dreadful smile. “Oooooh? So you accept that there were monsters she needed saving from!”

“It was people wearing suits and goatmasks! And a rubber monster suit, like in Gojira movies! It’s all fake! The tentacle monster could be an octopus that Gohda had in the kitchen and was going to serve for dinner!”

“So this is _Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife_ ,” Beato asked archly, gesturing at the frozen game. She waved it back into action. Tentacles thrashed. Goats bleated. George tripped over his own pants. Shannon cried out in ecstasy.

Battler jammed his hands over his ears and closed his eyes. “Or it could be a poisonous jellyfish that the culprit brought with them," he shouted, over the sounds of the game. "Or a puppet! Or the culprit hid in a pile of tangled hoses in the shed, and couldn't get them off afterwards! That's why there's puddles of water left behind! Or it's some weird thing from grandfather's sex toy collection!”

Beato cackled as Battler's theories grew wilder and wilder. She couldn't _wait_ until they got to the scene in the tentacle monster’s lair.

**Author's Note:**

> don't worry, the fantasy sequences can all be denied in red, so if it makes you feel better nothing bad actually happened to George except that he was murdered. 
> 
> originally written for the prompt "100 words of unrealistic monsterfucking" on Fail Fandom Anon


End file.
